Family Values
by lightblue-Nymphadora
Summary: After the war, the Black family, plus children and spouses, try to repair broken bonds. Crack!fic, you've been warned. Implied Blackcest and lots of naughty language from Madam Crazy Lestrange


_**LbN: Blame Fembuck. That's all I have to say. You may want to read her story "The Bargain" first...**_

Tonks didn't want to be here. She sat sulking between Remus and her mother, wishing she had never been born. You see, if her mum hadn't gotten pregnant with her, she wouldn't have had to marry Ted Tonks. Thus, she wouldn't have had to defect from the Black family, Bellatrix would still be somewhat sane, and years later, there would be no Tonks to kidnap. No Tonks kidnapping, no having to watch her aunt and mother… Tonks shuddered at the memory as the rest of her batshit insane family came and sat in the Circle of Trust.

Their discussion leader, Cassandra Fitzroy, took the seat next to her. "All right, family, who wants to begin today?"

_God, not me! God, not me! _Tonks thought.

"Nymphadora! How about you?"

"No."

"For God's sake, Nymphadora!" Andromeda said. "Could you try to cooperate?"

"No."

"I think, perhaps, this anger is coming from the fact that you haven't made peace with your mother. Maybe if you accepted and forgave your mum for—"

"The fact that she's been shagging me silly for decades?" Bellatrix supplied.

"Thank you, Mrs. Lestrange," Fitzroy said.

"I don't see why you mope so much," Narcissa told Tonks. "All it did was bring the family a little closer together."

"And stop sending me your bills for these sessions!" Bellatrix added. "It's only half my fault. At very least, your mum should be helping me pay them."

"It was your fault for kidnapping her in the first place, Bella," Andromeda said.

"Perhaps we should let Ms. Fitzroy guide the discussion again…?" Lucius suggested quietly.

"Shut up, Malfoy!" all of the women snapped.

"This is good!" Fitzroy called over the snarls. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress! Just think, two weeks ago Bellatrix's first response to almost everything was to use the Cruciatus Curse. Nymphadora couldn't even look at Andromeda, and Narcissa was glaring at everyone. We've made it to semi-civil conversation! But, Nymphadora, to make true progress we must confront what we fear."

"I don't fear it," Tonks grumbled. "It just grosses me out."

"Oh for the love of Albus Dumbledore's rotting corpse!" Bellatrix yelled. "_You're fucking a dog!_"

"He's not a dog when I sleep with him!" Tonks yelled back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rodolphus, Draco, and Lucius pull flasks from their robe pockets and take long drinks. Remus unwrapped a candy bar and ate half of it in one go….

"I think the point Bellatrix is trying to make—" Fitzroy began.

"Is the disgusting hypocrisy of it all!" Bellatrix finished. "You're okay with getting plowed by a werewolf, but somehow we're too twisted for you."

"How about we hear from the men—?"

They shook their heads frantically.

"Really," Bellatrix continued. "Do you think you're not just like us? You're just as kinky and you know it! The rest of society shuns your love, as they shun ours—"

"She doesn't love you! Not like that, at least."

"Keep telling yourself that, niece dear."

"How about we change topics?" Fitzroy yelped. "Er…Draco! How is your job going?"

"'s fine," Draco mumbled.

"Research and development for the Auror department, yes?"

"Yes ma'am."

"What's this got to do with anything?" Bellatrix asked.

"Patience, Bella," Narcissa and Andromeda said.

"Please stop calling her that," Tonks whinged.

"What? Why?" Andromeda asked, genuinely confused.

"Our poor, fragile, werewolf screwing niece can't take terms of endearment."

"Terms of endearment!" Fitzroy yelled, glancing desperately at the clock. "Wonderful things to bring families together! Usually they're a sign of closeness between a small group of people. Why don't we think of some for each other, yes?"

"Exactly how close do you plan on us getting?" Tonks asked.

"Don't worry, Nymphadora, no one's lusting after you except the puppy," Bellatrix said.

"Trust, I prefer it that way."

"The canine banger has spoken!"

"FUCK YOU BELLATRIX!"

"That's alright, dear, your mum has that sorted."

Tonks stood and with a flick of her wand, sent a chair flying towards her aunt.

Bellatrix threw a curse at her that missed, richocheted off the mirror on the back wall, and set the curtains alight.

As Narcissa and Andromeda joined the fray, on Bella's and Tonks' sides respectively, the husbands threw up random shield charms to protect the rest of the furniture.

Fitzroy army crawled across the room, using upturned desks and chairs as shields. She crawled past Draco, who was on the floor now, swaying from side to side and smelling of gin. She reached her desk and pulled the clock down onto the floor with her. "_Adcelero!_" Standing, she held the clock over her head and yelled, "That's time! That's time for today! Get out of my office!"

The family stood, robes smoldering and glaring. Lucius was the first to come to. He pulled his giggling son off the floor and helped him out of the room. Narcissa followed behind them, and then Andromeda, Tonks and Remus. Bellatrix threw a wink at Fitzroy before leaving.

Poor Rodolphus stood in the center of the Circle of Trust looking deeply ashamed. "Er…see you next week," he said, before following his wife.

Fitzroy sobbed.

_**LbN: Be ye entertained? :D As afraid as I am to know what you think of me now, send reviews lol!**_


End file.
